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Heavy Thoughts: Acceptance & Forgiveness

2 years ago I felt like I needed to “clean up my eating” by doing a super restrictive diet. It started as an attempt to cure some stomach issues but I lost weight so I kept going and I spiraled into a place of scary disordered eating.
I remember toward the end all I wanted was oatmeal. Just old fashioned oats. I couldn’t have them on this diet and I was sobbing. It was in that moment I realized I couldn’t live this way but I was terrified I’d gain a ton of weight if I stopped so I decided to give myself a break while on vacation and promised I’d start again when I got home.
Vacation was great. I ate what I wanted but I was super active and all the food was really fresh. I felt phenomenal despite the fact that I was eating things I wasn’t allowed to eat like rice and beans.
When I got home I binged for 5 days straight in an attempt to “get the cravings out of the way.” I gained 8.6 pounds that week and the day after weigh in I returned to the diet I was following.
I reached goal and lost e…
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Farewell Blue Dot

A few weeks ago after gaining .8 pounds for no reason I committed to stick at or below my daily points thinking I’d see a big change on the scale and I stayed the same. 
Then my Leader suggested I add some oil to my day to see if the fat would kickstart things so I started adding 4 tsp of olive oil faithfully to my day and I took the 5 points from my weeklies. I was able to continue to earn a blue dot while also incorporating oil but didn’t weigh in that week because we went to a concert so I’m not sure if the oil worked to kickstart anything but I do know my stomach felt different. I have had less stomach aches since adding oil to my day so I will continue to incorporate it but as proud as I was that even with the oil I was able to earn my blue dots I think I need to let go of my quest for blue dots
So much of this journey (for me) is about mindset and I think I might be getting a little swept up in the quest for dots and steps. I am catching myself becoming a little food phobic again.…

I'm not cured and this sucks.

Disclaimer: This blog is my own. I work for WW but the statements and opinions expressed here are my own. I am not endorsed or compensated by the company for writing this blog; in fact I'm almost positive they don't even know it exists. This blog is my own, a safe space for me. That's it!

I am a lifetime member. I am a leader. I’m also a human and despite the fact that I love WW more than anything and despite the fact that I believe this program absolutely works, sometimes I struggle and when I struggle I try to keep it quiet because I don’t want to disappoint the people who look up to me as a leader and a lifetime member. I feel like if I’m honest people will lose faith in me or worse, the program. If people leave my meeting because they feel I’m not a good role model that would suck but what would suck worse is if they said “she’s a leader and she is struggling! If she’s a leader and she struggles clearly this program doesn’t work so therefore I might as well just leave!”