But the truth is you can't tell by looking at someone how healthy or unhealthy they are. At my start weight I was morbidly obese according to the BMI chart but I had no health issues that were caused by my weight. No high blood sugar, no high blood pressure, cholesterol was good, heart was good and I had pretty good stamina when working out; of course it's better now that I've been working out a lot more but it wasn't terrible back then. To look at me you'd probably think I was terribly out of shape and must have a plethora of health issues but you know what they say about assuming...
Despite knowing firsthand what it's like to be unfairly judged I still find myself looking at thin people and thinking they must be healthy and comparing myself to them. I'll think "I wish I looked like her" or "I bet she's faster than me" but the truth is just because a girl looks fantastic in her yoga pants, doesn't mean she's actually a yogi...maybe she threw those on to pick up a carton of cigarettes and a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Sometimes looks can be deceiving and I'm making myself miserable by comparing myself to others. Instead of enjoying my healthy lifestyle I'm focusing on the fact that people might not think I'm healthy because I don't look like the model on the cover of Shape.
Often when I tell people I run I feel like I need to defend it. I feel like people look at me and see me at my start weight forgetting that they probably don't. Either way I'm a work in progress and I'm feeling fitter and stronger every day! Maybe someday I'll stop worrying so much about what everyone else thinks and I'll stop feeling like I need to defend myself.
I know I don't look like that girl over there with the six pack and killer gluts but that's because I've lost almost 100 pounds and my skin was stretched to capacity for 24 years. So even though my booty isn't round and perky like hers I promise I work really hard. Someday maybe I won't have so much extra skin on my stomach but I'll probably never have a 6 pack but that's not due to lack of trying. I work out 4-5 days a week and I lift heavy weights at least twice a week. I have a personal trainer that I trade with too...so I know I might not look like it but I promise I really am fit.
Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that this is who I am. It's hard for me to believe that I actually enjoy working out and it's hard for me to believe that I'm actually wearing a certain size. I desperately needed a new pair of work pants because mine are droopy in the crotch (you're welcome for that visual! LOL) and so baggy in the legs that I feel like a clown when I wear them. I work in a high class spa and I look like a trash bag! Plus it's not very comfortable having my pants pulled all the way up under my boobs with my crotch between my knees. So today I went shopping and I bought a new pair of pants. I brought a 6 and an 8 into the dressing room with me and I tried on the 6's first but thought they were a little loose...6's are loose? No way...so I tried the 4 even though inside I was rolling my eyes telling myself I was being silly and a 4 would NEVER fit but when I tried them on they did. I still can't believe it and of course I'm thrilled but also downplaying it by saying "they're 97% spandex so that's why" and "it's a fluke they must be cut WAY big" and "a pair of 4's at another store or even another brand would never fit". Instead of being excited and jumping for joy I'm ruining my own NSV. WHAT THE HECK!?
Why can't I just believe that this is who I am and allow myself to see the changes and accept them? Why can't I allow myself to see that even though I'm not a size 000 with a round perky booty that I'm healthier than I've ever been and every day I'm getting healthier!? Why can't I celebrate my success without instantly trying to downplay it? Why must I rain on my own parade?
I'm working on it.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow and wearing my new pants and my new bra! I used to wear clothes that were too big trying to camouflage my weight and hide beneath the layers but then I realized that big clothes make me look bigger! Of course wearing clothes that are too small will also make me look bigger...fortunately I got lucky today and like Goldilocks found a pair of pants and 2 bras that are "just right" and were also on sale--woohoo!!
I'm going to rock my new outfit tomorrow and remember that confidence is sexy and I have no reason not to be confident. I've been working hard and feeling good and people will see what I want them to see. I'll keep in mind that health and wellness isn't a round booty in a pair of yoga pants or a number on the scale.
Healthy is a big beautiful smile, a positive attitude, a tracker that's already filled out (with mostly power foods and within my DPT!), lots of water and a dash of exercise and guess what, I've got all those things!