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D29 100 Pounds...Then Vs. Now

It felt good to wake up this morning after being so successful last night both at Weight Watchers and after the meeting as far as not binging. Wednesday's always make me feel a little anxious for a couple of reasons. 1) it's my weigh in night and I'm still trying to remember that the scale is only one measure of success so being up or not down enough doesn't mean I failed and 2) it was my "cheat" (aka binge) night and I'm always afraid I might slip back into that habit again.

But last night before my meeting I made spaghetti sauce and and a salad and after my meeting I came home and boiled the pasta and put my pre-made salad on a plate and it was all kinds of amazing and delicious but also made from all Power Foods and guilt free. I weighed, measured and tracked everything. I did use a few of my AP's but I still had 8 (out of 16) left and all of my 49.

I used to use all of my AP's and all of my WP's every week and I think it's definitely possible to use them and still lose weight so that's not the reason I've been trying to stick to my DPT. The reason I've been trying to stick to my DPT is because I didn't need to use all of my AP's and all of my WP's; I was using them because they were there and "hey why not!?" There are some days when I can't imagine staying within my DPT because I'm hungry or I'm going out or to a special occasion and there are others like today where I eat a lot of Power Foods and I end the night 2 under my DPT (even after getting my GHG's!) and make myself a delicious desert to use up those 2 remaining points...chocolate PB2 and an apple...SO good! <3 Seriously satisfied my sweets craving :)

I think finding balance is so important and being flexible is even more important. Right now my focus is on trying to stay within or close to my DPT which is 26 but I also realize that somedays that won't be possible and that's OK!! If I were to say "I have to stay within my DPT every day" I'd go crazy and I'd definitely set myself up to fail! It isn't realistic for me personally to promise myself that I will stay within my DPT everyday just like it isn't realistic to say I'm going to work out for 2 hours every morning at 5 a.m. I know my limits and that's why I'm experiencing success this time around.

I know I keep returning to this past winter and saying "it was hard!" and it WAS but I'm very grateful for the lessons I learned because even though it sucked it was a learning experience. I learned what DOESN'T work for me and I learned how to overcome.

I'm on a good roll right now and I'm feeling really confident but I've been here before and I screwed it up so I'm just a little nervous to get excited because I don't want to screw it up again. However, the last time I was here was pre-winter-2015 and I hadn't been plowed into the ground and run over a hundred times by life so I wasn't as strong then as I am now and I can say confidently things will be different the next time I hit 100 because things are different NOW.

When I hit 100 the first time I was definitely in diet mode. I buckled down and focused really hard on getting to where I wanted to be. I said no to pretty much everything, I worked out like crazy! I was running just about everyday but not doing any weights. I was starving before my weigh in barely eating or drinking anything all day and then binging on Wednesday night's after I weighed in and running on Thursday to try to un-do it. I was not healthy but I was seeing the numbers I wanted and I thought I was capable of continuing to live that way "just until I got to goal". I hit 100 1 week, the next week I lost 2 more pounds and I was thrilled! 102.6 pounds GONE FOREVER!! So I loosened the reigns just a little and ended up gaining over 3 pound the next week. I never saw that 100 pound milestone again. Instead the numbers climbed upward and by the time I finally put an end to that climb I was up almost 20 pounds. I was devastated. I had gone from 150.8 to 169. I went from the 150's almost all the way back to the 170's and I had a million and one excuses and I took no responsibility for it.

Now that I've finally got my head in the game I can see that some of my excuses were legitimate. I did have a lot going on. My gallbladder needed to come out, I felt awful while I was waiting to have it done but I didn't need to eat EVERYTHING!! My stomach was hurting and I was an anxious mess which made strenuous workouts feel deadly but I could've done SOMETHING other than sit on my butt...and eat. We went to Louisiana on vacation for Christmas and it was AMAZING but I ate everyday until I felt sick. The worst part is I wasn't even eating the amazing southern cuisine in excess; I was binging on graham crackers from Trader Joe's and dozens and dozens of cookies that we made. If they were broken I ate them, if they were burnt I ate them, if I ate 1 I had to eat 3 and if I ate 3 I might as well eat 3 more. I spent more time in my sisters kitchen sneaking food all alone than I did with my family. It was ridiculous and I feel so ashamed. My brother passed away unexpectedly and there was a lot of food during the week of his services...I could've made better choices but even if I didn't that week didn't cause a 19 pound gain.

I held onto those excuses though desperately trying to convince myself and everyone else that I was a victim of circumstance. It wasn't my fault. Woe is me! I'm doing the best I can. It's all out of my control...I was so convincing I even convinced myself that it was true and then I was stuck in that mindset for months. I am such a victim. I deserve pity and I should be given a free pass. The thing is though no one else cares if I'm fat. No one else wanted an excuse or demanded some kind of explanation. No one ever came to me and said "why aren't you losing weight?" I was playing all the roles in my own little soap opera. I was the victim but I was the criminal; I was the judge, jury and executioner and I could not stop the vicious cycle until one day I just did.

And it was very recently. I guess you could say I hit rock bottom although it wasn't that dramatic. I didn't have a meltdown (I did have several during the year+ I was off track but none of them lead to doing anything to change my situation) or any kind of dope slap moment; I just started writing my blog again and slowly but surely I focused on all the amazing things that I accomplished and I focused on what could be better, how I could slowly start to change things to get to where I wanted to be and just like that things started clicking.

Writing down all the great things that happened instead of focusing on all the terrible things made me feel so much better. Creating a plan to get focused and get "back on track" didn't end up exactly as I had planned because I'm not on the track I was on when I lost my 100 before, I'm on an entirely different track. 

Then I was starving and binging, running but not lifting, obsessively weighing myself, depriving myself during the week and knowing I SHOULD feel happy but being completely and utterly disappointed by what I was seeing when I looked in the mirror. 

Now I am tracking everything every day, I eat before my weigh in's (I'll show you my tracker if you need proof!), lifting weights at least 2 times a week and doing cardio 4-5 days a week and looking in the mirror and smiling because I look more toned than I did last month and even though I don't have rock hard abs I know I'm still a work in progress. But I recognize that progress and it makes me happy when I see a little definition somewhere I'd never noticed it before. I don't weigh myself at all during the week; my wife hid the scale because I asked her to. This time I understand that the number eventually isn't going to change but my reflection will continue to change and when I hit goal on the scale it might not correlate to what I want to see in the mirror and that's OK.

This time when I hit my 100 I will be able to keep going and I will be able to be successful because the choices I'm making everyday are healthy and sustainable in the long run. I'm not dieting this time around. This time I'm following the program the way it's meant to be followed and that's why this time I won't skyrocket upwards when I hit a new low :)

-t

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