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D46 Piloxing & Body Image

Whew. Just when you think you've got it all together you wake up on the wrong side of the bed and you feel like your world is just a mess!! I should be SO proud of myself! I've been working my ass off for the past few weeks to stay within my DPT, I've been killing my workouts since my bday when I committed to lifting weights at least twice a week and I've been lifting 4 times!! I've been going to the gym alone and lifting with the boys in the big room. I've bought smaller clothes and my trusty gym clothes are getting too loose. There are SO many great things happening and I've worked really hard but this morning I woke up and I felt like I was at my start weight again. I have no idea why but something was wrong with me. I looked in the mirror and started to tear myself apart. Just yesterday I was proud of the definition I'm starting to see in my arms and I swear my stomach seemed tighter and more toned but this morning I started berating myself. Told myself I was crazy and delusional yesterday and that 1.5 months of weight lifting isn't going to make THAT big of a difference. I got upset about my tiny gain on Wednesday, convinced myself I'd NEVER make it to goal and that I need to stop being so unrealistic and accept that I'm NEVER GOING TO CHANGE.

It was awful and I was SO mean to myself and I don't know why my inner mean girl came out to play but I shut that bitch up.

And not with food. I went to the gym instead.

Today pull and abs were on the agenda as far as my gym plans go and I planned on checking out this class I heard about that everyone said I just HAD to try called Piloxing. I guess it's a blend of pilates, dance and boxing and the instructor is great and you torch a ton of calories. I was told if I like Zumba I NEED to check out Piloxing. So I did.

At first I felt a little guilty; I promised myself that I was going to start going to church on Sunday's and I went last month (and then worked the following Sunday's of October so couldn't go again) and I liked it...kind of...it was familiar and everyone was so friendly but my spirituality has grown and evolved so much that I found myself a little bored and even though I was surrounded by kind people who I had a lot in common with (there were SO many gay couples!!) I just didn't feel like I truly belonged there. I like praying in my own way, on my own...

When I found out Piloxing was on Sunday mornings I felt conflicted. I had promised the pastor I'd be at church and I felt like I would be committing a heinous sin by not showing up but I also didn't entirely love church and I REALLY wanted to check out this class so I figured I'm probably going to hell anyways, skipping church isn't going to be the deciding factor and like the heathen I am I went to the gym.

When I first arrived I was in a mood and I was staring at my reflection in the giant mirror across the room. I was in the back but I just kept staring daring mirror Tiffany to challenge me. I was convinced I looked squishy and puffy and try as I might I couldn't see the delts I swore were there yesterday. Then I reminded myself that yesterday I was delusional and the changes I thought I was seeing were all in my head. The instructor bounced into the room all high energy and absolutely adorable with his little fauxhawk and hot pink socks. I looked at his body and I compared my own to it. His back is SO defined, look at his biceps! Omg, his calves are insane. Then I looked at my reflection and silently told myself not to compare myself to him because I'm never going to look like him and I'm hopeless.

The class was really fun!! I felt a little...a lot...confused and sometimes REALLY dumb but I had a good time and I think I'll catch on quick!! I was surprised to find a lot of people in bare feet but kicked off my sneaks because when in Rome...right? I NEED a pedicure. Didn't check that off my October Goal's list but I'm going 11/11 with my sister. Until then my ugly feet will continue to terrify yogi's and Piloxing girls alike. Ah well...at least they don't smell.

The class started quickly and it was pretty intense for the entire hour. There were some warmup stretches that were pilates inspired; most of the pilates we did was standing pilates. There were boxing moves where we had to box and jab and guard our faces; some of the people were wearing weighted gloves which I'll definitely be purchasing but they weren't required for the class. The dance parts of the class were more ballet type moves and not as hip hop as Zumba. In Zumba there is a lot of twerking and shimmying but in this class as intense as it was it was a lot more controlled. I've never taken Barre but we did incorporate some Barre elements into class (I know this because he told us). I've never taken an actual kickboxing class but I'd venture to guess that it's similar to kickboxing. High intensity with some boxing moves and TONS of core work mixed in. 90% of it is standing but we finished on a mat so we could work our butts and guts. The ab work was INTENSE!! So was the glut work to be totally honest. So was all of the class!!! I didn't work up a killer sweat or find myself panting but I did struggle to keep up at times and I found myself praying (ha!) for some moves to be over.

At one point the song that was playing said "what's my name!?" and the instructor playfully shouted "you all know my name right!?" and I mumbled under my breath "ya, Satan!" haha it was good though. All the abs in class meant I could skip that part of my weight lifting routine!! I guess it's a good thing I got to the gym late! I was going to lift weights BEFORE Piloxing but I guess the universe had other plans and I ended up Piloxing first and I'm grateful that I did.

Sometime in the middle of the class I caught a glimpse of myself holding a really difficult position; legs strong, arms taught, core tight and I looked beautiful. I mean I looked like a hot mess with my hair all disheveled and my skin pink from the workout but I was beaming with pride and guess what...I saw it. The definition that I saw yesterday. It's really there. I looked at myself and I saw the change and I realized that it isn't fair for me to compare myself to anyone else. It isn't fair to me or the person I'm comparing myself too. First of all, the instructor is a guy, ok?? So that's apples and oranges. I'll never have his body because I'm not a guy and that's OK. I don't want to be a guy!! But I also can't compare myself to other women because I am not them!! I don't have their history, I don't have their DNA...I'm Tiffany and there's nothing wrong with that.

I often find that when I compare I start making up stories about the people I'm comparing myself too which is completely unfair. I make up excuses like "she's probably got good genes" or "she's probably been an athlete her entire life" or "she has no idea what it's like to struggle" when the truth is maybe she looks that great because she's fighting her genes. Maybe she never was an athlete but became inspired to get healthier after losing weight like me or maybe she does know what it's like to struggle. How do I know she's not battling an eating disorder or mental illness and the gym and healthy eating are giving her the outlet she needs? Looking at someone else's body and being jealous of it is normal but I need to let go of the jealousy and encourage her. I need to think "you go girl!" instead of "I wish that girl would go." I can't let other people intimidate me and I can't compare myself to them because I'm not them.

I don't know their story just like they don't know mine. They don't know that I've lost close to 100 pounds. They don't know that even as a kid I was morbidly obese. They don't know that PCOS makes it really hard to lose weight and really easy to gain and that every meal and every workout is planned and calculated. They don't know that I struggle every day not to binge and choose the right foods. The only one who knows all of that is me and the only one I can compare myself to is me...

If I need some motivation, some encouragement or I need to feel better about myself I should look back on how far I've come and give myself a freakin high five. Or maybe a hug...

If I want to compare my arms to someones I should compare my arms to the girl I was 4 years ago. If I want to compare my race times I should compare them to old race times. I can only be a better version of me and I am slowly learning to accept that. I'm also learning to accept that change takes time and even though I've been really great about working out and I've been consistent and wonderful it's only been 1.5 months and even though that seems like FOREVER in the grand scheme of things it's only a drop in the bucket. Yes, there is more definition today than there was 1.5 months ago and in 1.5 more months there will be more! But I'm not going to go from floppy to fit in no time. It takes slow and steady work to chisel out a new physique and even though that discouraged me earlier today I'm thankful for it now because I realize it's what's going to keep me going to the gym AFTER I hit goal.

I need to remind myself CONSTANTLY that this whole journey is my new lifestyle; there is no finish line; the target is constantly moving and that's all good. Because without something to work for I'd stop working and revert back to my old ways. I love that girl because she's the one who made the decision to change but I don't want to be her again...I like this me so much better.


-t

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