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D61 A Plan For Goal...?

So I've never been a normal weight. My entire life I've been obese...the first time I heard the word MORBIDLY obese I was in middle school. All through elementary I was just obese but in middle school shit got real. Now I was the deadly kind of obese...too bad that wasn't enough to scare me into doing something to change it! I mean, I did...I joined Weight Watchers when I was 12, I was in the 6th grade and I weighed almost 200 pounds. I lost 30 but then I quit. I wanted to be a "normal kid" but as soon as I quit I gained my weight back and I was morbidly obese again.

Although it's totally unhealthy and NOT where I want to be it's what I'm used to. Though I've been at or near my current weight for about 2 years now I still struggle to feel like this is real. There are days I think I'm still 100 pounds heavier than I am...but there are also days where I feel like maybe my body is happy where it is and I should stop trying to lose these last few pounds...

Then I think "I didn't come this far to come this far. See this thing out! Get to your goal!" My problem is I don't know what my goal number actually is. I think it's 140, that's a little over 13 pounds away. But I've never been 140. Maybe 140 is unrealistic for me. Maybe 140 is too small and that's why I've been at (or near) my current weight for 2 years...?

I go back and forth in my mind. I'm happy at this weight! Maybe 150 is a good goal. Why not try to get to 149? You've never been in the 140's! If you're going to get to 149, why not just go to 140? But maybe my body is happy in the low 150's! Will I be able to maintain a lower number?"

I'm all over the place and I don't know exactly what to do. I know there is no finish line to a healthy lifestyle so hitting a certain number doesn't mean I'm cured of my weight issues. Nothing is going to change because I'm at goal; I'll still need to eat well, control my portions and work out BUT I won't be actively trying to lose and that will be nice. I'm not stupid enough to think maintenance is easy but I've maintained for long periods of time and I'm pretty confident I will be able to do it. Sometimes I get so stuck in weight loss mode that I become obsessive and enter diet mode. I'd like to be done with that nonsense and I know that in the past when I've been maintaining I'm a lot less stressed and obsessed...

But I don't know how much longer I should fight to get to that stupid number. When do I say "OK! I'm happy?" What happens if I get to 140 and I'm STILL not happy? Maybe I'm supposed to be here...maybe my body is happy. Maybe I'm fighting a losing battle and driving myself crazy to try to take off weight that isn't going to come off...

...but I feel like that's silly because I'm sure I can take it off...I'm just not sure how much more I can change to do so. I mean I can change a lot but can I live with those changes? I've said it before and I'll say it a million times over...I want to lose weight and KEEP IT OFF. I could stop eating all carbs tomorrow; not touch another sweet potato or eat whole pasta and I'm sure I would drop 10 pounds pretty quickly; but I don't think that's healthy and a life without sweet potatoes is no life at all.



I came up with a plan.

I think that after I weigh in on Wednesday I'll figure out how much I have to lose to get to 140 (my proposed goal) and then I'll figure out how many weeks that will take...1 week for each pound I need to lose. If I weigh 155 I'll need 15 weeks, 150 I'll need 10. So let's be optimistic and say I lost 0.2 ounces this week and I weigh 153 as of Wednesday; that's 13 pounds so I'm going to commit to really staying on track and being focused for 13 weeks. At the end of 13 weeks I'll be at goal; whether or not I'm at 140. I'll just be DONE.

I don't know if this is a great idea or a terrible one. I do know that I'll allow myself to be flexible. I might want to extend my 13 weeks once I get there, I might not be ready for goal but I need to focus on something short term and for now this seems like it might just work. Though, I don't know because I've never actually been a normal weight and I've never tried to maintain a normal weight. I've maintained, just never a weight lower than 160 and though I don't know exactly where I want to end up I DO know that I DON'T want 160!!

So...I guess we'll see what happens Wednesday...



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