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D64 Gotta Get My Fitness Together...

I need to get my fitness on track. I realized today that I am really standing in my own way. I'm not sure what exactly I'm doing wrong, maybe I'm not doing anything wrong maybe I'm just not doing enough of the right stuff.

I have this feeling deep down that I'm capable of amazing things. I really feel like I could be a strong runner and I know in my heart of hearts that I can be a terrific triathlete but I'm not pushing myself and I don't know why. I mean I guess I do know why...kind of.

Partly I'm terrified. I'm scared I'm going to look stupid as I attempt things I've never done like swimming laps. I know once I get into the pool the first time or 2 I'll feel better and I'll start to feel like I belong; the same as when I went into "the big weight room" at the gym. I was so scared of all the big beefy guys who looked like they lived there and even more scared of the super confident hot women who had the balls to play with the big guys. If they're not intimidated by all that man meat they're definitely TOUGH. Now I'm one of those women. Kind of. I still sometimes hide out on the sides of the gym...I take my free weights over against the wall and do my routine. But I'm still technically in the same room with all the serious weight lifters so I give myself credit.

I'm part of a racing team on Facebook; they train together, keep in touch on the group, exchange ideas etc. I met some of them (for the first time!) at the 5K a couple of weeks ago and my anxiety about it the night before almost caused me to back out on the race. I was so intimidated by them; I felt like I was at my start weight all over again; like I had never run a day in my life. I thought for sure I'd be laughed at and mocked because I was the new girl and they're all triathletes...of course they were amazing, super nice and supportive and didn't make me feel alienated or mocked at all...but I'm still afraid they're going to realize I'm not on their level and kick me out. 

My insecurity about my physical ability is seriously out of control. I need to get it together but I don't know how...I guess practice makes perfect and I need to take the plunge. Literally take the plunge into the pool. I can't do Master Swim classes at my gym right now because they offer them on the nights I'm working, but there's no reason I can't go swim laps. I do need a bathing suit...I think the YMCA frowns upon skinny dipping...but there's no reason I can't get one. I have a couple hundred (yes, a couple hundred) dollars in Amazon gift cards that I haven't used and I can buy a pretty decent suit online since there isn't a suit to be found in stores in Massachusetts in December.

However, I also need some things I can't buy on Amazon...like a bike. And they're so freakin expensive and I get worried just thinking about it. Spin class is a good workout, don't get me wrong! But riding your own bike is very different than riding a spin bike. It's like a dirt bike vs. a Harley...they're similar but worlds apart. I feel like a knight showing up to a duel with a sword made of a balloon. How can I even begin to train without the necessary equipment!? But I cannot afford to purchase a bike at the moment. They're expensive...really expensive and I don't have any extra cash to shell out on one. I've got a car payment now (thank god because I desperately needed a car!) and the holiday's are coming quickly and I need to buy gifts. I don't have an extra cent to spend on myself...that will definitely change once the holiday's are over so I need to be patient.

In the meantime I can be running and swimming and spinning. But I'm not...I'm not being great with my self care. Blogging, eating well and working out are so helpful for me staying on track but my body is really tight and I can't remember the last time I had a massage. I also can't remember the last time I stretched, used a foam roller or took an epsom salt bath. All these things I recommend to my clients and I don't take the time to do myself. Why? Because if I'm being totally honest, I'm being totally lazy.

I've been allowing myself to get overwhelmed by all the things I feel like I need to do...what I actually need to do is make a to-do list. That way I can look at it and realize it's super small and I'm making mountains out of molehills as I often do. 

I think I do it to distract myself so I don't have to actually put in work and effort. If I can blame my lack of progress on the fact that "I'm doing so much and haven't had time to do what I need to do" it seems like a reasonable enough excuse. The problem is then I beat myself up for not making any progress and feed the vicious cycle. It's amazing how easy it is to fall back into that trap. Literally just a couple of weeks ago I was cruising, feeling good and unstoppable and then I stopped and suddenly I'm right back to where I was. Frustrated and feeling a little, ok, a lot let down. But I am the one who got myself rolling in the right direction and I can do that again.

And I will.

This week is going to be challenging but I can overcome a challenge. I always say "I love a challenge" in my professional life, and I do! So I need to learn to love the challenges in my personal life. And since it helps me to have a plan, here it is:

Th: Run/walk 3 miles, pull and abs work 1.5 hours early
Fr: Zumba, push and legs work 1 hour early
Sa: Work 9-5 2 mile run in the dark (I need a run in the dark for a challenge I'm doing!)
Su: Work 9-5, private clients 7-9:30 no workout (rest day #1)
M: Pull and abs, elliptical 30 mins private client before work
Tu: Push and legs with my trainer run/walk 4+ miles, private clients at night
W: Private clients all morning, helping my sister move afternoon. 30 mins elliptical if there's time between clients and moving (if not, rest day #2)

I haven't figured out meals for the week yet, I need to consult with my wife on that. Since my schedule is so packed I'll need to rely on her to take care of dinner and I don't know which nights she's working and which nights she's off which affects what she can make. Of course, there's always the crockpot which is a life saver.

I felt a little out of my element last week. Not that I did anything really terrible or really wrong, just didn't feel like I was in control and unfortunately that resulted in a 1.2 pound gain this week. Now I'm back at 99 and fighting for my 100 again which bums me out but I know I can make changes...I just have to do it. I will.

-t

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