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Am I Done...?

I have no idea how much I weigh right now. I haven't seen the number on the scale since the end of December...I'm checking the "month off the scale" box off my 30 before 30 list.

Someday's it's GREAT! Someday's I feel awesome, powerful, capable, in control and like I NEVER want to know how much I weigh! The freedom of not knowing the number is unexplainable! Every week I know that no matter what I'm not going to be disappointed by the number on the scale because I am not going to see the number on the scale. I might be up 8 pounds but it doesn't matter because I am blissfully ignorant and will have NO idea!!

Until February 3rd when I officially start weighing in again and peek back at my month. I'm not sure if I'll be psyched, mortified or ambivalent. The problem with blissful ignorance is I have no accountability right now. I could be out of control. I could be going up, up, up and doing a lot of damage...not permanent damage, but damage nonetheless.

I just hope I am not way up; though I honestly don't feel as though I am. What I see in the mirror and how my clothes fit make me think I've lost a little or maybe I'm maintaining. I think I look smaller or more toned and I definitely feel smaller and things feel tighter but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm actually down.

And I think I'm OK with that.

Right now I feel good...mostly. I still feel like there is work to do and I'll probably always feel that way but the work I am referring to is mostly exercise and physique related. I want to build more muscle, I want to lift heavier weights, I want to run faster...but I don't know if I want to lose more weight. Maybe that'll happen naturally as I continue working on my fitness goals, but maybe it won't.

At some point I will have to stop losing weight and start maintaining but I always thought that I would decide when that would be. I thought that I would pick a number, any number and just go until I got to that number. That magic number for me was 140. I don't know why or how I came up with that number. I've never weighed 140 before but it seemed like an achievable number and I thought I'd be small enough but still healthy so I decided that was a good number.

But now I'm starting to reconsider that number. I feel like maybe I'm done. Maybe my body has picked goal for me? I feel good, or am I being complacent? My lowest weight so far has been 150.8 which is within the weight range that WW suggested as a goal weight for someone who is 5'5". But it's at the top of the range and I don't know if I'm settling...I was 150.8 for a week and then I gained like 5 pounds and then came the horrendously epic winter of 2015 when everything went to hell and I gained 19 pounds...that was bad. But I got myself back on track and hit my 100 pound milestone, then gained a few and hit my 100 pound milestone again...when I weighed in last I was down 99 pounds on the dot and I was 154.4. 3.4 pounds outside of the WW suggested weight range...

Weight Watchers newest program Beyond The Scale has members focusing on things that are much more important than the number. They want us to think about "Me Time", they're encouraging us to limit our sugar and saturated fat and increase our protein, they want us to realize that this journey is about SO much more than a silly number...

and I LOVE that SO much and I think it's a very powerful and important message...


at some point I DO have to pay attention to the number and pick a goal weight. At what point do I accept that I'm done losing? Will there ever be a day that I step on the scale and go "THIS IS IT!"? Or will it feel somewhat anticlimactic?

When I hit my 100 it felt somewhat anticlimactic and that was disappointing but then I started thinking about it and I realized that maybe the reason why it wasn't thrilling and exciting was because it was just a blip in the radar of my weight loss journey.

Just because I hit 100 didn't mean things were over. The only thing that was going to change was the number in my weight record book. It wasn't like "WOO! I hit 100 pounds, now my entire life is different and now I can do things I could never do before!" I was doing things I never thought I could do (like running) before I hit 100 pounds. Losing 100 pounds was a huge accomplishment but it wasn't the end of my journey...this journey doesn't end.

So maybe I need to stop putting goal on such a high pedestal and realize that while getting to goal is a tremendous accomplishment, in reality not much is going to change. Getting to goal doesn't mean the journey is over. A lot of times people will say "it's not a sprint, it's a marathon!" This lovely cliche is meant to encourage people to go slowly, take their time and not get discouraged when things don't happen overnight. However, I've realized this weight loss journey is not a sprint, but it isn't a marathon either...a marathon is a lot longer than a sprint but it still has an end. 
My weight loss journey does not have an end, and it never will. This is my new way of life. A marathon ends, a diet ends but a lifestyle can only begin...I'm a Weight Watchers lifetime member (even if I'm not technically a lifetime member. I still pay my monthly dues, I haven't hit my goal weight yet, but I'm not going to anything differently when I do)!

When I hit goal I'm going to weigh and measure my food, plan my meals and snacks, track, work out and attend my weekly meetings. Just like I've done for the past 5 years. 
The only thing that will be different is the fact that I will not be paying for my membership because lifetime members receive their membership for free.

I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle by trying to get to a number I pulled out of thin air. Maybe I should just allow myself to enjoy feeling confident and focus on my fitness goals. Maybe it's time to accept this number (whatever it is) and declare goal...

I guess we'll see what happens in February when I look at my book and I know how much I actually weigh.

I kind of want to be in the 140's (even 149 would be ok!) but I am willing to concede. If I'm around 150 on 2/3 I might just say "this is it". When it comes to goal my musts are:

-Maintainable. I want to get there and STAY there but I want to stay there comfortably. I don't want to have to make huge sacrifices like never going out to eat, cutting our certain food groups entirely or working out like a maniac for countless hours a day.

-Within the Weight Watcher recommended range of 121-151.

So...I guess we'll wait and see...



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