As I was disrobing I was watching myself in the mirror. I know that sounds insane but lately I've been having a hard time adjusting to this new-me. I find myself staring in the mirror a lot these days studying my new features...analyzing my new face; clearer skin, an actual jaw line, no double chin.Tracing the hollows of my collar bones, observing the length of my neck. Touching my shoulders and flexing my biceps trying to determine if I'm creating or losing definition.
My wife interrupted my mirror session by going "why are you always staring at yourself!?" I guess I didn't realize how much I was doing it until she asked me why I was.
I don't know if this is normal, or healthy but I can't help it! I almost wish I was completely obsessed with myself and admiring the changes, tooting my own horn going "wow! I'm so hot!" but I'm not. I'm just observing. Neutrally. Some days I do compliment myself, sometimes I do say "wow! Good job! Your hard work is paying off!" Other days I go "OMG. Your stomach is enormous. Probably all that junk you ate last night." <--THAT IS NOT OK!
I'm glad that about 90% of the time I'm just observing and not tearing myself apart. That's a huge change for me but I also wish that when I saw myself in the mirror I recognized myself.
I don't know why suddenly I'm having all this trouble seeing myself and accepting these changes. It's not like I dropped my weight really quickly, this has been a journey YEARS in the making and the changes have been happening very slowly.
However, right in this moment I just had an epiphany...!!! Things in my life are changing very rapidly right now. I am doing very well at my job which is AMAZING! I started doing some marketing and blogging in addition to being a Massage Therapist and for compensation for this my boss is sending me on a weeks vacation to COSTA RICA!!! Holy crap! Can you say EXCITED!?!? I've left the country once, my wife and I went to Canada for a long weekend. I've also been on a couple cruises but I've never spent a week in the jungle! And the best part is, my wife can come!! We never had a honeymoon so I'm looking forward to a week in the rain forest with the woman I love more than anything. It's a great thing but it's weird being appreciated by my boss. Change number 1.
Not to mention I've been the only one working for close to a year which has been tremendously stressful. My wife took a break from working so she could focus on school and studying and though I was able to support us it was really, really hard. There were days I was so emotionally exhausted I didn't know how I'd find the strength to get through, but I did it. But thank goodness it worked out. She starts her new job February 3 and she signed a year contract so she's guaranteed employment (unless she does something really stupid which she won't) for at least a year. She'll be working full time which means steady income AND benefits! My income doubled in March (change number 2) when I started my new job and that was amazing...it was enough to cover all of our bills and help us start working off some debt...we didn't have much to put into savings, a little here and there but now that she'll be working we'll actually be able to start saving! FOR A HOUSE! AND BABY!!! Or babies...? Maybe we'll get lucky and get 2 for the price of 1...hahaha!!
So now I realize that maybe the reason I'm focusing on the changes in my body is because so much is changing outside of my weight loss. Amy working means I can take a step back and even though that's what I want it's also really difficult. I was working my butt off, picking up extra shifts, every minute was planned and down time happened if I was sick and then I felt sick with guilt. Now that I have time off I feel a little out of my element! I'm having a little trouble adjusting to my new schedule but I know I will.
Although all the changes that are taking place are great changes, they're still changes and change is scary. I don't recognize myself (change number 3). My face doesn't look like my own, my body has changed in ways I never imagined and as much as I wanted my stomach to tighten up it's starting to tighten up and it's weird! And different and scary! And when I was working a million hours I wanted to have more down time and now that I have down time I can't figure out what to do with myself and I end up sitting. A lot. I thought when I had time off I'd be working out and having fun and instead I'm sitting on my couch. Relaxing. Doing NOTHING except binge watching Netflix. It's like I'm making up for lost time. But I have to start moving again! I am going to gain all my weight back and lose all my progress if I don't get my ass going LOL.
I'm doing good with my food for the week, sticking to my plan but I'm not doing so great with my exercise. I'll be spinning tomorrow morning, weights with my trainer Tuesday a.m. and spin Tuesday p.m. but I was so long at the doctor on Friday I couldn't get to the gym as planned. There is still plenty of time to go today, but I missed the 8:15 Piloxing class. Which is OK; I needed to sleep and I can do weights and cardio without a class. The question is: will I?