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D11 I'm A Maniac

Day 11 is brought to you by my manic need to control EVERYTHING.

I never realized I was such a control freak but when we adopted Tallulah I became aware of my blatant need to control everything. I want to control her interactions with my cat and force him out of his domain before he's ready because even though he's comfortable downstairs, I'm not comfortable with him being down there!

I realized that my anxiety would absolutely cause a huge issues as animals are super sensitive and I started trying to calm myself down by acknowledging the issue. However, in acknowledging my desire to control my pets I started to recognize a familiar pattern.

I'm a control freak.

I mean I should've known and I think deep down I always have. It makes so much sense now why the crazy restrictive diet I was on "worked". Because it gave me such rigid structure that I didn't need to think about it! It controlled me so I could relax for once...or at least I thought I was relaxing. Turns out I was just trying to put a rug over the elephant in the room and it "worked" until it didn't. Then I felt all kinds of out of control and of course being a control freak that scared me to death!!

I thought back all the way to my childhood and could clearly remember trying to control interactions with my barbies so they would say and do exactly what I wanted them to. Even as a kid trying to play and use my imagination I was so concerned about controlling it my friends didn't want to play with me.

I think a huge part of my weight problem goes hand in hand with my control problem. I don't know if one caused the other or if they're just coexisting but I do know that Weight Watchers is helping me manage both.

With WW I get my points and I can do whatever I want with them so while I've got some structure it's not suffocating. I can choose the chips and cookies or I can choose the carrots and celery. I never have to say no or yes to something that I don't want to say no or yes to. I simply track it, own it and move on. I mean that sounds super easy and in theory it is but of course it's not always that easy. I overthink. I create drama. I label food "good" or "bad" and label myself "good" or "bad" when I consume these foods.

Thankfully FreeStyle doesn't just address food. There's also a lot of talk about mindset, changing the way we think about things and learning to relax and enjoy life. Enjoying life doesn't mean eating like things don't have calories and not paying attention at all because that feels like crap. On the other hand obsessively weighing, measuring, tracking and restricting doesn't feel good either. As a control-freak-black-or-white-thinker it's difficult for me to find the middle ground (gray) but WW is helping me do that.

I might not be perfect all the time and there may be days that I overeat and days that I worry too much about choices and under eat but with WW I'm learning to let go and that feels good!



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