I think of black and white like a spectrum. One is far from the other and in the middle is all that glorious gray. It gets darker gray as we head closer to the black side of the spectrum and lighter gray as we head toward the white end of the spectrum. I know I'll never be dead center but as long as I'm somewhere in the gray, as long as it's not too dark or too light I'm OK. When it gets too dark or too light I know I'm headed toward crazy town and soon I'll be binging or restricting. I haven't been in either place for a LONG time but I've still been swinging quite rapidly through the different shades of gray and I don't feel confident yet in my new land of gray. My goal is to float through the gray like a breeze through palm leaves on a Caribbean beach, not blow around wildly and out of control like a hurricane destroying everything in my path.
I've lost weight. I've lost a significant amount of weight. However, one of the lingering effects of my crazy restrictive diet was a rebound gain. I only lost about 10 of my 100 pounds by restricting but I found more than that and I'm ready to take it back off. I think that's OK as long as I take it off in a healthy and sustainable way. Sustainability is key. Weight Watchers works! I lost 100 pounds with WW but self sabotage bit me in the butt and I became convinced that an elimination diet would not only cure my stomach issues (it didn't) but also get me to goal (it did). Then life would be perfect and I'd never worry again about anything, especially my weight because I'd be cured.
I sometimes wonder "what would've happened if you didn't try to lose that extra 10? Why couldn't you be happy around 90 down? Why did you have to push through? What was so wrong with 90??" I don't really have an answer that makes sense. The truth is I had a number in mind, I wanted to hit it and I was convinced if I did life would be PERFECT. I really felt like that number was MAGICAL. I never hit that magical number. Even when I got too skinny and unhealthy and obsessed I didn't see that number. Maybe that's part of the reason I snapped and quit the restriction. "I'm giving up ALL of this and I still can't see that number!?" it felt like a slap in the face. I do not regret quitting the restriction but I do regret starting in the first place. Although, that's a waste. I can't go back and undo what I did but I can move forward from it!
I sometimes convince myself that moving forward is actually sitting still. I tell myself that it's OK to accept the changes and the new number and the rebound gain. I'm healthy, I have 2 fantastic careers and I don't need to lose weight. I should accept my body as it is. It's fluffier than it was and my clothes don't fit the way they did but I should just accept that. Body positivity is a beautiful thing and I'm so happy to see the world starting to acknowledge that weight stigma is very real and very dangerous. I want to support this movement and embrace my body! I'm proud of my stretch marks and I don't want to cut off my sagging stomach so I can wear a bikini without offending people. NO! I am woman, hear me roar!! I don't need to fit into a certain size or weigh a certain number to be strong and beautiful.
On the other hand I physically don't feel my best at this weight. I'll admit the numbers game is something I'm still trying not to play. The number on the scale cannot define me and it should have no impact on my self worth but I don't like it right now. I don't like it because I'm not comfortable in my skin. I'm not comfortable in my clothes and I don't love the way I feel when I'm working out and there was a time-a very short (but super sweet!) period of time before I went off the deep end that I DID love and appreciate my body. I don't remember how much I weighed at that time (which is shocking!) but I do know it was less than I weigh now.
I'm forgiving myself for wanting to get back there. I'm allowing myself to want to feel good in my own body and losing a few pounds would feel better. Slipping on my pants in the morning without grunting or wearing my gym clothes without the muffin...those kinds of things would feel good.
Yes, I can buy new pants and gym clothes and spare myself the sound effects and muffin top but it's more than that. It's how I feel when I'm not in the clothes. It's how I feel when I'm moving. It's OK. It's better than it was before I started making healthier changes but it could be better and that's what I want. I'm not aiming for perfect, just better.
Most importantly I just recently got into distance running and paying attention to food and workouts is helpful not only to manage my weight but also to help prevent injury. I feel like weighing a little less makes it a little easier to move. Not easy but easier. I have had 3 surgeries on my right knee and it sounds like Snap, Crackle and Pop are in there eating their Rice Krispies whenever I bend it. It doesn't hurt but it used to. Knees take a lot of pressure everyday doing things like getting out of chairs and climbing steps no matter whose knees they are. My knees are already compromised and now I'm asking them to run 26.2 miles (plus training!) AND do things like move me from point A to point B. I can at least do my best to make it a little easier on them.
So while I feel like I need to love my body as it is, flaws and all I also feel like losing weight IS me loving my body, as it is flaws and all. I'm not loosing weight thinking all of a sudden I'll have no stretch marks or I'll have washboard abs. I'm not waiting til I lose 15 pounds to love myself...I love myself NOW which is why I want to lose this weight. I don't think that makes me any less of a body positive movement supporter and if anyone else does shame on them.