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D6 I Deserve It

I used to have a huge portion of something fattening and sugary and say "it's OK. I deserve this!" and I really believed I did.

It made me feel like crap to eat crap but I did it because I thought I deserved to feel like crap.  I ate both to soothe and punish myself.

I thought if everyone around me was saying I was less-than, well I must be! If 1 person says something cruel it hurts, if 2 people say something cruel it hurts twice as much but if the majority of people surrounding you are saying the same thing than it must be true, right? Majority rules. It hurts, but it's true.

I didn't have the confidence, the desire or the drive to fight the majority so I gave in and I accepted that this was my fate. I deserved to feel terrible both physically and mentally all the time so I fed that.

With massive amounts of crap. It wasn't just the quality of the food that was the problem, it was also the quantity.

I joined WW because deep down I heard myself saying "WHY? Why do you 'deserve this'? What did you do that is so terrible that you always need to feel like crap?" and I didn't have an answer. I didn't want to continue to be morbidly obese and I didn't want to have surgery to correct my weight because I knew it wouldn't work for me. I started WW so that I could correct my weight without surgery and I wanted to correct my weight because I thought maybe, just maybe I deserved to feel GOOD.

Turns out, I was right. It isn't easy to be kind to myself because for many, many years I wasn't. It's a really hard habit to break and it's not going to fixed in 21 days or however long they say it takes to break a habit. Learning to hate myself took me roughly 23 years; learning to love myself won't take that long. I won't let it!

Because I deserve to feel good no matter what anyone else has to say about it! I feel like such a rebel practicing radical self love and self forgiveness and taking the time to pay attention to quality and quantity of my food and I like feeling like a rebel. For so long I did what I thought I "should do" and now I'm done.

I have too many reason's WHY I want to live a healthier lifestyle and none of them are because someone else said I should. This is all about ME.

-t

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