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Showing posts from May, 2018

A Tough Day Can't Stop Me

(blog written 5/16/2018 posted 5/20/20/18)

Yesterday was a terrible day. 
It was gorgeous outside but I felt miserable and I stayed on my couch most of the day.
I don’t know what came over me; I wasn’t physically sick but I just didn’t feel good. I even skipped Pound. I’d been looking forward to it all week and I skipped it so I could sit on my couch and feel sorry for myself and honestly, it was silly.I knew I would feel worse if I skipped the gym and I think that's part of the reason I did. If I feel bad, why not make myself feel worse?
My dog snuggled with me which is the only reason I didn’t get up and go to the kitchen more than I did. 
If I got up too often she'd end up leaving me and it was comforting to have her laying on me, feeling her heart beat. (Our other dog was up in bed with her other mama) I did however, get up and eat to feed my emotions. I had a great breakfast of veggies and eggs with 2 pieces of cinnamon toast. Then about 20 minutes later I got up and put peanu…

"Go Ahead & Binge"? Are you KIDDING?

Binging is not fun. Nor is it healthy. Nor is it something that we should be encouraged to do. Yet, companies are making binging a joke. More than once I've heard an advertisement that tells me to binge. I can't remember the exact slogan but there were at least 2 very recently; one said something like "binge enjoyably!" and the other said something like "feel free to binge!" or "go ahead and binge!".

While I realize these companies were trying to get me to enjoy whatever they were selling more, I can't help but hear the encouragement to do something in excess and when it comes down to it, is that ever really healthy? Binge eating is MY struggle but what about binge drinking? Or binge smoking? Or even something that is "good for you" like exercise!? Is excessive exercise "healthy" because exercise is "good for you"?

I can't change the media, I won't change the slogans these companies are using to promote thei…


All of my life I've felt different.

As a kid there were obvious differences; I was a lot bigger than my peers. But it wasn't just my voracious appetite and the size of my clothes that made me feel different. I felt more at home with adults; I didn't feel like I could relate to friends my age. In hindsight, that makes sense. I spent a lot of time clinging to my mom and staying inside where I was protected from the torment. It's hard to understand and relate to your peers when you make it a point to hide from them.

Associating with primarily adults made it easier for me to walk into a meeting room for the first time on my own. Each time I started WW I started with my mom and each time I left WW I left with my  mom.  The last time I joined was no different. We joined together and after about 6 months or a year, I can't quite recall, she was ready to quit. I wasn't. I was nervous to walk into my meeting room alone, I'd never done that. I found a seat at a table…

Transformation Tuesday: Body Positivity

It's May 8, 2018 and it's a Tuesday so my Facebook feed is currently blowing up with transformation pictures #TransformationTuesday

I don't want to share a Transformation Tuesday post.

I have gone from morbidly obese to what I would consider thin (even though when I was thin I couldn't see it and wanted to be thinner) and now I'm lingering somewhere I don't really want to be; definitely not morbidly obese, but definitely not thin. I'm not feeling as strong as I'd like and I'm not looking as defined as I'd like. I don't really want to boast or brag about where I am today because I don't really want to be here, but where I am is exactly where I am meant to be.

It doesn't matter that I don't want to be here, I have to be right now. There is a lesson if I'm willing to learn it and I'm starting to understand what that lesson is. 

I am a recovering black-or-white-thinker and someday's I'm super gray, others I fall hardcore …

Every Step Counts

Someone said to me yesterday "if I were as small as you, I'd love clothes shopping."

It took every ounce of effort I had not to ask her to repeat what she had said. Did she say small? SMALL??

I heard her, she said small.

I do not feel small lately and 50% of the time I'm proud of the strength I'm gaining (both mentally and physically) and 50% of the time I feel very big and uncomfortable.

I am definitely not fitting into the size 2 dress pants I bought a couple years ago and it's time to kiss my size 4's goodbye. It's OK to let them go and I know by letting them go I'm symbolically letting go of that stage in my life as well but I wish I was replacing them with new pants that were maybe one or two sizes bigger...

Yesterday I went to Kohl's because I had Kohl's cash I had to spend and I almost cried in the dressing room, and definitely not the same tears I cried in Target. No, no. These were angry tears.

Everything looked terrible.

In a moment of …

Goodbye April!

So looking forward to my meeting tomorrow night but not because I had a great week and I’m excited to see that on the scale. 
No, no. The scale has been teaching me weigh in after weigh in that my great week is great if I think it’s great. A number cannot say “great job!” And let me tell you, it hasn’t been!!
I’m the one who determines whether or not I had a great week.
Truth is, I haven’t had a great week and a half. I couldn’t go to the meeting last week and losing that accountability contributed to me losing focus and as you know, losing focus can be a slippery slide into giving up. I didn’t plan well on Wednesday which is the first day of my new week and wasted most of my 35 weeklies because of it. Mini bars and crunchy snacks may only be 2 points (per serving) and they may be a  great addition to a meal but 2+2 doesn’t always equal 4 with WW and a mini bar and crunchy snack feast may please the taste buds but not the is it possible I’m hungry after eating 4 mini bars!?  I…

Falling In Love Again

At Weight Watchers this week we were talking about being kind to yourself. I was asked when it was I decided to stop beating beating myself up and I started to cry the moment I said “it all started with a bikini”.
You can read that story here if you want to be caught up. 
I instantly felt my face flush as I realized I wasn’t going to be able to keep talking without tears rolling down my cheeks and I paused for a moment to look around the room. Was what I was about to do career suicide? What would my boss think if she walked into the meeting room and witnessed the leader having an emotional breakdown? 
My job as a leader is to facilitate a conversation among members, to create an environment where each and every person who walks through the door feels safe and supported and to ensure that each week members leave feeling like they got a figurative hug with a side of science.
It’s great to be warm and fuzzy and I love that Weight Watchers has moved past the days of a leader lecturing for 45 …