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Living Is Learning

I just started a new job and we give candy  to clients but of course if there’s candy I’m going to eat it and I cannot have just 1. The first day I ate 5... the second day I promised myself I would only eat 1 then I worried the entire day that if I ate 1 I would probably want another and I didn’t want to eat more than 1...I drove myself so crazy that I ended up eating 10 

I’m admitting this because I know you won’t judge me but I was full of shame and I felt sick after inhaling all those peppermint patties. 

I’ve been slowly building up to a pretty significant change in my eating and the incident with these candies was the straw that broke the camels back. 

Even though I know I CAN eat whatever I want, even though I know that deprivation and restriction DOES NOT WORK, I am also realizing that some “foods” are just not worth it. 

I was afraid to tell myself I “couldn’t” have any candy because I did a very restrictive diet and really wrecked myself but I also need to set some boundaries because I’ve been making very poor choices lately and I’ve been feeling awful.

So I’m not saying “I can’t” eat trigger foods, I’m saying “I don’t” eat trigger foods.

I’m finding the gray using WW (always and forever! Even when I was doing Whole 30!) to track my points but also making a list of foods that feel safe for me. Right now, sugar isn’t one of those foods.

It’s going to be an interesting experiment to figure out what does and doesn’t work so I’m going to stay off the scale for a little bit and I’ve adjusted my daily points to 33 instead of 23 to allow for more healthy fats. I may need to adjust that up or down, fat costs a lot of points but it’s also more satiating and since being hungry is a trigger for a binge, being satiated is important.

I know it won’t be easy but I also know it’ll be worth it. I have only been more aware for the past 2 days and I already feel better. I worked yesterday sitting next to a GIANT box of peppermint patties and didn’t feel anxious at all because I didn’t have to argue with myself. “Have 1. You can’t have 1! You can’t restrict!” Instead of all of that back and forth I said “I don’t eat that” and I felt so much calmer.

It’s interesting. 7 years as a member, lifetime for a year and I’m STILL figuring this all out. What’s different this time? I’m not believing that I will ever find an end to the struggle. I’m just accepting that learning is part of living and taking it one day at a time. 



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