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Today was a much better day than yesterday. I was tired so I slept in a little. At one point while half asleep I thought “I should get up, I have to eat breakfast before I go. Oh well, maybe I’ll just get an egg sandwich from Dunkin’ Donuts this morning since we don’t have much food in the house.” Then I remembered I’m taking a break from processed foods for a bit since they’re having a significant impact on my eating and I climbed out of bed to make myself a bowl of fat free Greek yogurt with some strawberries and an egg that I ate at my dining room table. I made my own coffee at home and saved money and points.

It’s the first time in a really long time that I didn’t hit the Dunkin’ drive through for a large iced coffee. 2 points. 3 bucks. 

Every. Single. Day.

I had plans to meet my sister for a pedicure after my first meeting and I was REALLY hungry so I stopped at the supermarket first because I knew I could get something “safe” there. I remember from my Whole 30 days that Lara Bars are  a good choice since there are no added sugars and a good amount of fat. Of course they will not become a staple but I need a go-to that won’t send me spiraling. If I wasn’t trying to clean up my diet and regain control of my eating I would’ve stopped at Dunkin’ for the egg sandwich I didn’t get earlier in the morning or a convenience store for a cup of coffee or a diet soda and some peanut butter crackers which would’ve satisfied me short term and then made me even hungrier than I already was. 

I was at the nail salon much longer than I expected so I didn’t have time to go home for lunch the way I planned so I found myself hungry again and without food. I thought about picking up a couple hard boiled eggs and a banana at Cumberland Farms but that didn’t sound appealing so instead I went to the grocery store yet again and bought myself a spicy salmon roll which I tracked as 8 points. Usually when we buy sushi my wife and I will each buy a roll we like and 1 to share. She will eat about 3/4 of hers and package up the rest and I’ll eat my entire roll plus my half of the one we were going to split and then her half. I always say “sushi doesn’t fill me up” but today I was really craving it and I wanted to see if it was true that “sushi doesn’t fill me up” or if I could be satisfied with 1 serving. 

I did eat my sushi in my car but I wasn’t driving so I’m proud of that and calling it a win. I slowed down and allowed myself to taste it and believe it or not, I was satisfied with just the one roll and a banana. I would like to say I’m surprised but I’m not. I’ve been aware that I’ve been overeating I just haven’t been ready to change it until now.

I had therapy today which was good. I told my therapist about my horrendous eating and asked her what she thought about my plan to eliminate trigger foods. I told her I was nervous about becoming food phobic again but she agreed that the approach I’ve created seems like a good balance. I’m not eliminating entire food groups, I’m not seeking some kind of magic cure of buying someone’s hype. I’m not saying I will never eat processed food or sugar again; I’m just saying for now it is not worth it. It is easier to say “I don’t eat that” than “I’ll just have a little”. 

My plan is to continue counting points but I’m reconsidering what I’ll spend them on.  For example, I use spray butter to save points to eat candy. Going forward I want to incorporate a healthy fat, veggie and protein at every meal. Today for dinner I had a sweet potato with real butter. It is the first time I have had butter in my house in years and it was absolutely delicious. I only used a half tbsp so it was only 2 points but when I was prioritizing junk food over my health I had to save points where I could and I wasn’t going to “waste” them on butter. Fat is satiating for me and hunger can trigger a binge so I’m allowing healthy fat to make a more regular appearance in my day and I’m not wasting my points on candy. I’m not eating paleo or keto or any particular way. I’m just eating more real foods and tracking using SmartPoints.

I shared the blog I wrote yesterday with her and I shared my frustration about people being so kind to me about my dress and I told her how I felt like I was surrounding myself with people who were enabling me and she asked me why I thought people being kind was a bad thing. She suggested maybe I wanted people to be mean to me because I’m being mean to myself and if other people would agree with me I could say “they are right!” It wouldn’t make me feel better to have someone say something unkind but it would mean I could stop holding my breath while I wait for the other shoe to drop. 

The other shoe isn’t dropping. It’s time to start breathing. For the first time in my life I’m surrounded by wonderful, kind, supportive people and regardless of how
I feel at the moment, I do deserve that. Those who were not wonderful, kind and supportive have done me a favor and exited my life and without that negativity I now have even more room for the love I have been receiving.

It is ok to receive love as freely as I give it to others. Just because I have always been surrounded by takers not givers and negativity doesn’t mean I have to continue to surround myself with that energy. It is ok to accept what I have always given so freely. 

Love. Compassion. Empathy. 

These things are easy for me to dole out and apparently next to impossible for me to receive. It will take practice but it’s something I’m willing to work on because I deserve it. I think “I deserve it” should be my new mantra.

I deserve to wear beautiful dresses.

I deserve to feel good.

I deserve peace around food.

I deserve to be valued by myself first and foremost but also by the people in my life.

I deserve the opportunity to be listened to.

I deserve to be comfortable in my own body.

That was another thing we discussed today. I made the dramatic statement that
I feel like I’m in the wrong body and after contemplation I realize that I’m not in the wrong body, I’m just uncomfortable in the skin I’m in lately. My body does so much for me and while it doesn’t feel the way I want it to feel I haven’t been treating it the way I want to treat it. Saying I’m in the wrong body is cruel and untrue and that statement was uttered in a moment of utter frustration and despair. I considered going back to edit my previous blog to remove that statement but as harsh as it was it was how I felt and I deserve to acknowledge my feelings, even when they are a bit extreme.

I had a good day. A better day than I’ve had in a long time. I think I will skip the scale for a bit while my body recovers from last weeks slip because I’m still a little fragile right now but I’ll be in my meeting tomorrow because I deserve it.


-t

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